If I had a meeeeeeelion dollars
by CaitSith
Summary: Rufus has been kidnaped and is being held hostage for one meeeeeelion dollars. Can Cait Sith, Sephiroth, Zorn and Thorn save him? Featuring Cait Sith VS Quina Qu and a Chocobo Mafia sponsored gun fight.


Mayor paced back and forth in his office, thinking of his diabolical scheme to make the world recognize that he was the one true hero of Final Fantasy Seven. He had tried guile, now it was time for force. This time, not with machine guns and exploding fish, but with a nuclear missile!   
  
"There, that ought to do it." He said as he finished writing his daily death threat to Rufus. He walked over to the door, looked out and handed it to Hart. "You know the drill, tie it to a stone and chuck in through the window of ShinRa Inc." At least it would cost them money to keep repairing the glass. He walked back to his desk and picked up the paper.  
  
"Masked assassin holds eight alley cats hostage for one hundred dollars." He read the headline out loud. That gave him an idea. He could hold the president of ShinRa hostage, for one meeeeeeelion  
dollars. He raised his pinky to his lips. There was a loud knock at the door. "What is it?"  
  
"Sir, your pizza is here." Hart said, setting the pizza on the desk.   
  
"Hmm? What's this? There are anchovies on my pizza! I didn't order this! Hart, go shoot the delivery boy!"   
  
Insanity Studios Present  
If I had a meeeeeeelion dollars  
By: CaitSith  
  
Rufus glared at his hated foe, the blond man with the spiked hair glared back, unafraid. Everyone in avalanche, with the exception of Cait Sith and Cid, was watching, waiting of one of them to make they're move. Rufus began to sweat. "Do you have any threes?" He asked apprehensively.  
  
"Go fish." Cloud said smugly.  
  
"Dammit!" Rufus shouted and slammed his fist on his desk, sending the cards flying in all different directions. He ran his fingers through his hair. "I don't even know why I consented to have   
peaceful relations with all of you.   
  
"Because its better than fighting a endless war." Cloud replied.   
  
The speaker on Rufus desk began to beep, and he pressed the button. "Yes?"   
  
"Mr. President, you're pizza is here."   
  
"Wait, I didn't order any-" He was cut off when his large door feel inwards and Domino and Hart walked in, both carrying machine guns. "My door!" He ran to his fallen door and kneeled beside it.  
  
"Alright, nobody move!" Domino said, pointing his gun to Rufus's head. "Im in control now!" He walked over to the phone and picked it up. "Hello? Mognet? I would like you to deliver a letter to everyone in the world, that im holding President Rufus Shinra for hostage, and if I don't get," He put his pinky to his lips. "One meeeeeeeeelion dollars within two days, I will kill him. That's it." He hung up the phone. "Okay, all of you, get in the corner. Hart, go chase everyone out of the building and bring in my private army."   
  
"What about marlene!?" Barret shouted.  
  
"I don't really care!" Domino said, then he took a stapler and jammed it in barrets mouth. "Anyone else have anything to say?" He asked, waving the machine gun around in what he hoped was a threatening manner. The rest of the group, Cloud, RedXIII, Vincent, Tifa and Aeris shook they're heads. "Good."  
  
* * *   
  
"So, have you thought of a new idea for a movie yet?" Cait Sith asked his screenplay writer, Sephiroth.  
  
"Well, yes, but I haven't been able to do much work on it since Eve and I are busy taking care of our son, Valentine."   
  
"Tough toasties, now tell me your idea."   
  
"Well, I call it "Eclipse", and what happens is-"  
  
"Wait, wait, let me guess. The moon falls." The cat said, yawning.  
  
"How did you know?" Sephiroth asked, perplexed.   
  
"Because in everyone of your damn movies something falls on the planet!" He angrily threw his french toast at Sephiroth, attracting many dark looks from the patrons of the "Breakfast Palace".  
  
"Hey! Its not a bad idea!" Sephiroth said, wiping the syrup from the french toast off of his face. He picked up the paper that was left on the table. "President kidnaped by Mayor Domino." He read, then looked down at the other stories.  
  
"Hey! Let me see that!" Cait Sith grabbed the paper from the villain and looked at the headline. "Wow! They're offering," He raised his pinky to his lips. "One meeeeeelion dollars to anyone who can rescue the President and everyone else that's being held hostage. Do you realize what we could with a million dollars?" The esper asked excitedly.  
  
"Don't you mean, what you could do with a million dollars?" Sephiroth asked dryly.  
  
"Il tell you what, if you help me, il give you one hundred dollars. Imagine what you could do with that! You could, um, buy a lifetime supply of bubblegum!"  
  
"Forget it Cait, there's no way you're talking me into this."   
  
"Even if I let you produce all the movies I said I wouldn't? And gave you a thousand ninety-nine dollers?"   
  
"Hmm...well, okay."   
  
"Great!" The cat esper ran out of the room, Sephiroth following him.   
  
"Wait! You didn't pay the bill!" The manager screamed. "Dammit."  
  
* * *   
  
A garbage covered Sephiroth looked around Rocket Town. "Why are we here?"   
  
"Because we need to travel to Gaia, and we also need to enlist the help of the famous decoder, translator and pilot, professor Daravon." An equally filthy Cait Sith said. "But first, I need to clean off. Who knew a restaurant would have attack dogs. Lucky we hid in that trash can."   
  
* * *   
  
"So Cid, we need to borrow you're rocket, and professor, we need your help."Cait Sith explained, nodding to Cid and Daravon.   
  
"What? Me, lend my rocket to you? You of all people? Hell no!" Cid said.  
  
"Help of you I will! But rocket we need!" Daravon stated.   
  
Cait Sith sighed. It was bribe time again. "How about I give you four thousand dollars. With that, you could by two rockets."   
  
Cid eyed the cat suspiciously. "Maybe that's not a bad deal, but first, show me the money."  
  
"I, um, don't exactly have it right now, but if I succeed in my mission, I will!"  
  
"And if you don't?"  
  
"Then il let you have all of Sephiroths belongings!" Cait Sith smiled to himself. Only he was smart enough to think of something like that. He quickly glanced over at sephiroth, who was glaringat him, his hand on his sword handle.   
  
"It's a deal then!" Cid threw the rockets keys to Cait.  
  
"Thanks, il be leaving now, come on daravon." He quickly scurried out, Sephiroth running after him, his sword drawn.  
* * *   
  
Cait Sith glanced out the window of the rocket. "Space, the final frontier. Bah." He went back to bandaging his cuts. He then looked up from his wounds. "Hey, there's gravity in here. What's with that?" Sephiroth, who was watching his mini TV, ignored him.   
  
"Arrr, she cant take much more of this captain!" Daravon shouted from the cockpit. "Launch altzier! For great justice!"   
  
Cait Sith sighed. It would be a long trip.   
  
* * *   
  
Cait Sith looked around. "So this is Alexandria palace? I wonder what all's in it." He stood within the massive doorway leading into the large castle. "Il see if I can find Zorn and Thorn, you can go back and wait at the rocket Sephy."   
  
Sephiroth knew it was a bad idea to leave Cait on his own, but he really didn't feel like making sure Cait didn't demolish another K-Mart, so he took the espers advice and began his walk back to the ship.  
  
Cait Sith watched him go, until he could no longer see him, and then he dashed into the nearest room in the castle, which was the kitchen.   
  
"Who you!? Get out of kitchen!" A large blue monster with its tongue sticking out of its mouth. "Quina working!" It waved its large fork at Cait Sith menacingly.   
  
"Ooooh, a fork, im so scared." The esper chuckled.  
  
Quina growled and lunged at Cait, attempting to strike him with it's fork.  
  
"Unguard! He quickly grabbed a spatula from the counter and fended off Quinas attack. He made swipes at the air with his spatula. "Arr, il chop yer head off!"   
  
Quina attempted to skewer Cait Sith, but he jumped aside and it crashed into a pile of dishes, each one breaking on the Qu's head.   
  
"What's going on down there?!" A midget appeared on the balcony overlooking the kitchen.  
  
"Going on down there, What is?!" Another appeared next to the first.   
  
"Zorn! Thorn!" Cait hopped across the pile of broken dishes to the balcony. "I've been looking for you!"  
  
"You're that esper!" Zorn exclaimed, stepping back.  
  
"Don't worry, I don't hold grudges. At least not against clowns." Cait said. "I have a little problem I need help with."  
  
"What do we get out of it?"  
  
"Get out of it, what do we?"   
  
Cait sighed. He knew this was coming. "Il give each of you, two thousand dollars, out of my," He raised his pinky to his lips. "One meeeeeeeeeelion dollars."  
  
"Did he say one," Zorn put his pinky to his lips. "Meeeeeelion dollers?"  
  
"Said," Thorn put his pinky to his lips. "One meeeeeelion dollars, he did!"  
  
The jesters looked at each other and nodded. "We will help!" They both said in union.  
  
* * *   
  
"Twenty three bottles of beer on the wall, twenty three bottles of beer, you take one down, you pass it around, twenty two bottles of beer on the wall." Cloud, Aeris, Cid, Vincent and Tifa sang, unable to do anything else in they're boredom. Red XIII laid a little ways away, covering his ears in an attempt to stop the horrible melody.  
  
* * *   
  
"Thank the planet the strategically inserted astreks." Cait Sith said, looking up at the massive ShinRa building, Zorn, Thorn and Sephiroth standing behind him.  
  
Sephiroth sighed and looked at his team mates. "Let's get this over with."  
  
"Here we go!" Zorn jumped on Sephiroths head and into a small vent, followed by Thorn, knocking Seph unconscious.   
  
"Now where is the exit?" Zorn felt around, and finally found another vent. "Through here!"   
  
"Sure, are you?" Thorn asked his twin. "Smelly, it is!"   
  
"Of course im sure!" He opened the vent and fell into the female restroom, right on to someone who was currently using the toilet.  
  
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!"  
  
Thorn chuckled and made his way to the mens restroom vent. He met Zorn in the hall. "A good time, did you have?" Thorn giggled.  
  
"Go to hell." Zorn said, rubbing his face where there was a large red hand mark.   
  
Zorn pointed to the security guarding the door. "Those are the ones we have to take care of."  
  
"Take care of them, we will." Thorn took out his tactics book. "Use number 23, should we?"  
  
"No, I think this calls for a number 4."  
  
Thorn checked his book. "Have that one, I do not. Number 89?"  
  
Zorn checked his own book. "I don't have that one."  
  
"Oh, screw it." Thorn jumped from his hiding place and ran towards one of the two guards, tackling him and beating him senseless. Zorn followed his example with the second guard, then hit the button to open the door.  
  
Cait and Sephiroth walked in. "Nice job. I can just smell that," He raised his pinky to his lips. "Meeeeeeeelion dollars."  
  
Sephiroth sniffed the air. "Actually, I smell...shit?"  
  
Thorn doubled over in laughter, and was then punched in the face by Zorn. "Don't even ask." The jester said.  
  
Cait Sith and his crew strode up to the elevator and he pressed the 99th floor button. "Is it me, or is it a little crowded in here?" Asked the cat as he was pushed against the glass when Sephiroth and the Clown's came in.   
  
"Your foot is in my eye!" Zorn exclaimed as Thorns foot collided with his eye.  
  
"Your eye! In my foot it is!" Thorn said, trying to get his foot back.  
  
After several hours of this, the elevator finally stopped and all four toppled out onto the rug leading to Rufus's office.  
  
"Okay, here's the plan. Sephiroth, you blow the door down, il take Domino, Zorn and Thorn, you take Hart, got it?"  
  
"I have a bad feeling about this." Sephiroth said.  
  
"Lets go!" Zorn and Thorn said together, bouncing up and down in they're excitement.   
  
Sephiroth walked to the door and cast a fire spell on it's hinges, melting them, and, unfortunately, causing the door to fall backwards on top of him. "I knew this was going to happen." He grumbled.   
  
"Chaaaaaarge!" Cait Sith yelled, and he, Zorn and Thorn ran over the door with Sephiroth under it, into the room, sticking to they're strategy.   
  
The twin jesters leapt on Hart, who tried to shoot them, but only succeeded in shooting his hand. "Get his gun!" Zorn cried, then he bit Harts arm, causing him to release the gun, which fell to the floor. "Take that!"  
  
Cait Sith had also managed to grab Dominos gun, but then four guards came to investigate the noise  
  
The following gunfight is brought to you by the Chocobo Mafia  
  
Zorn and Thorn, one on each side of they're gun, shot down one of the guards IN A HAIL OF GUNFIRE.   
  
"Eat lead!" Cait Sith gunned down another one IN A HAIL OF GUNFIRE.  
  
The remaining two guards attempted to draw they're weapons, but they both went down IN A HAIL OF GUNFIRE.  
  
Cait Sith then turned around and pointed the gun at Domino. "I've got you now!"  
  
Domino and Hart looked around frantically for a place to run, but found none. Without any other alternative, they threw themselves out the window. "Il be back!" Domino screamed as he plummeted 99 floors to the streets of midgar.   
  
"We bad!" Zorn and Thorn exclaimed as they gave each other a high five and did a cartwheel.  
  
Sephiroth crawled out from under the door. "Ow..." after rubbing his back he walked over to the hostages and untied and took off they're gags.  
  
When Cloud saw the grey haired villain, he immediately shouted. "SEPHIROOOOOTH!  
  
"CLOOOOOOOOOUD!"  
  
"SEPHIROOOOOOOTH!"  
  
"CLOOOOOOOOOUD!"  
  
"SEPHIROOOOOOOTH!"  
  
"CLOOOOOOOOOUD"  
  
"SEPHIROOOOOOTH!"  
  
"SEPHIROOOOOOTH! I mean, CLOOOOOOUD!"  
  
Cait Sith looked at the odd reunion and then turned to Rufus. "Now, lets talk about my," He raised his pinky to his lips. "One meeeeeeeeeelion dollers."  
  
  
If I had a meeeeeeelion dollars  
Written, Directed and Produced by: CaitSith  
Original Concept by: CaitSith   
Ideas stolen from: Fritz Fraundorf  
Dedicated to: Lena and Sephy's Lover   
  
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to or appearance of actual people, places, or events is intended only for purposes of political and social satire. Based on the games by Square.  
  
Authors Notes: The only reason I wrote this is because im happy that three people actually stopped and took time to review "Business is Business" and they were actually good reviews. Wonders never cease. Too bad this one isn't so great.  
  
A Insane production  
  
Cait Sith sat at his desk, double checking the amount of money he had, just to make sure Rufus didn't cheat him. He had already done it 57 times today, but that was okay. He lost counted when someone banged on the door.  
  
"Hey! You owe us money!" A line was formed in front of clouds villa. Zorn and Thorn, Sephiroth and Cid stood in line.  
  
Cait grumbled. Stupid beggars. "Il give you something!" He opened the door, lit a bomb, and threw it into the hands of Zorn. "Here, there's your stinking payment." He slammed the door.  
  
"It's a bomb!" Zorn exclaimed and tossed it to Thorn. "I don't want it!"  
  
"Want it, I do not!" Thorn exclaimed and passed it back to Zorn.  
  
The game of hot potato continued for an hour, before one of the jesters missed catching the bomb, and it rolled to Sephiroth and Cid and exploded.  
  
"I think we made a mistake." Zorn commented.  
  
"A mistake, its possible we did." Thorn agreed. 


End file.
